After spending 35 years of my life with two narcissistic people, I have concluded that narcissists do not really love anyone.

My conclusion is based on primary, qualitative research combined with secondary studies. To ensure anonymity, I will not name these people, but know that I was as close to these two people as one can get; therefore, I had ample opportunities to observe their behaviors consistently, and in every venue imaginable.

The only initials I have after my name are MPA, which stands for Master of Public Administration. I am by no means qualified to diagnose anyone with a mental illness or personality disorder, but there’s legitimacy in observations of human behavior.

Here’s what I’ve learned about narcissistic people.

They do not really love you.

OUCH! I know that hurts but hear me out. Their so-called love is conditional and contingent. The narcissist “loves” you when you make them feel a certain way about themselves. Their feelings for you develop because they feel powerful, admired, and worshipped when in your presence. Your praise gives them energy, and they thrive off your energy. When you have the narcissist’s full attention, they make you feel incredibly special.

It’s all fake.

The moment you criticize the narcissist you’re done. Although they may keep you around for a while, your days are numbered. The minute you complain or criticize the narcissist no longer likes you, and they are on the prowl for another person who will make them feel the way you did in the beginning. They’ll become more distant, and they love the silent treatment, especially if you’re begging them to tell you what’s wrong. They love that.

What others think of them is more important.

I believe this is a significant, defining characteristic. The narcissist wants you to worship them, and those who know the narcissist best don’t. This is prevalent in families. Families know the narcissist best, and the narcissist knows that. It’s like their cover is blown with their kids, spouse, or siblings, so they migrate towards being overly giving and accommodating to strangers. The narcissist will dote on someone they barely know, and they’ll completely ignore and isolate their biological family members.

Watching a narcissist operate may lead you to believe they’re a complicated personality, but they aren’t complicated at all. Their reason for behaving this way is quite simple. They are constantly on the hunt for praise and admiration, and when they know they can no longer get that energy from you they search for the feeling elsewhere. Their behavioral patterns are like drug addiction. Your praise, admiration, and longing to please them is what makes them high.

They pick fights.

You’ve hurt their fragile ego in some way. Instead of talking to you about it, they jump straight into self-preservation because they’ll never ever admit you’ve hurt their ego. And, trust me, it doesn’t take much to do this. In a second, they decide to replace you, but they don’t want to completely burn the bridge in case they need your energy again. So, they pick a fight. They make up a bunch of shit to make you believe you’ve wronged them in some way. Suddenly, the big, confident, powerful person becomes a victim.

While they search for someone to take your place, they want you to cry and beg. If you make the fatal mistake of blowing their phone up, they’ll control you for as long as you’ll allow it. Each time they ignore your call or text, they grin from ear to ear. They get great satisfaction from your sadness and worry. Your tears are like crack to a narcissist.

Narcissists appear confident, but they aren’t.

The only “c” word that describes these folks is coward. The bold, powerful exterior you see is a coverup for deep insecurities. Any confidence they feel is situational and it can be shattered quickly. For instance, the narcissist walks into a room feeling overly confident because they are sporting a new Rolex, but their confidence is drained like water through a sifter when they realize the person next to them is wearing a Graff Diamonds Hallucination.

Furthermore, if they aren’t in control of the environment, they don’t feel confident. The narcissist usually stays on their turf, because once they venture out to foreign territory, they risk being subjected to another person’s control. They feel inferior when they aren’t running the show and feeling inferior makes them angry, argumentative, and mean.

Everyone is replaceable.

Yes, they truly believe this as evidenced by how they devalue human beings and by how they dish out emotional torture.

They play people against each other.

A narcissistic person tries to turn people against each other, and this is another tactic for personal gain. They try to win your trust by confiding in you about another person. It’s not uncommon for them to tell you someone said something terrible about you behind your back. As childish as this may seem, it often works like a charm.

Here’s a typical scenario of what this looks like in real life. Narcissists play favorites. They always have a list of people that are ranked from most favorite to least favorite. When you’re ranked number one favorite, the narcissist tries to pit you against those that are lower on the list. I’ve learned the primary reason for this manipulation tactic is to keep you away from the other people in their world, so you don’t compare stories about the narcissist. If you were to talk to the others on the list, you would catch the narcissist in many lies.

Controlling

It’s their way or the highway. Plain and simple. The narcissist appears as easy-going, but they are the furthest thing from it. If they can’t control you, they move on to someone else quickly.

They are condescending.

Their fragile egos rule their worlds. They feel threatened by you, especially if they think you might be successful. After all, they are the only ones that are entitled to success. Confiding in them about your dreams and ideas sets you up for heartache, because they are probably going to laugh. Most narcissists are dismissive of your dreams.

On this note, I’ve noticed that true narcissists do not associate closely with people who have more money than they do. Money is power to a narcissist, and they use it to control you. They are notorious for giving and then taking away when you do not behave accordingly.

Narcissists are moody.

A fragile ego is not sustainable, and that’s why they are so moody. Living under the same roof with a narcissist can be hell on earth because the treatment you receive from them varies day by day. Narcissists are jealous by nature, and they get offended easily, but they’ll never tell you this. Instead of communicating the truth, they cover it up with temper tantrums. They take their frustrations out on you, and make you feel like you’ve done something horrible to them.

They are master manipulators, and they love to play the victim. In these situations, their deceptiveness shines. The narcissist lies without remorse, and they believe their lies; therefore, their moods are often dictated by these lies. Narcissists have imaginary friends that tell them truths. Keep this in mind when they pick a fight with you.

Self-gratification comes at any cost.

Their needs come first. They seek self-gratification 24/7. They please themselves no matter who they hurt in the process. In the event they have even the slightest twinge of guilt, they consult with their imaginary friends. Their imaginary friends never let them down because they justify everything the narcissist does.

This said, I’ve never met a faithful narcissist. There’s no way one person could ever feed their egos. It takes at least 2–3 people at a time to nourish the narcissistic ego. Remember they chase people that give them the energy they need to feel powerful and admired. Once the euphoria wears off, you’re done.

A defining characteristic of a narcissist is lack of empathy. They straight up do not care about how you feel, and there’s nothing you can do to make them care.

Narcissists can ACT like saints.

Key word here is ACT (Asinine Character Traits). There’s nothing like a good challenge, and when they are dead set on winning you over, they extend unbelievable acts of kindness. Don’t be fooled. Like their confidence, their good deeds are situational and temporary. If they help you, they have an ulterior motive. Plus, they lack discretion, so they will tell everyone about how they helped you. Bragging is in their DNA.

Narcissists are secretive.

Secrets are part of their existence, and the only people that know their secrets are their imaginary friends. If you’re involved with a narcissist, I guarantee you there’s something going on behind your back…ALL THE TIME.

Facts are you never know what a true narcissist is like until you invest time and emotions into one. Their relationships are exactly like their fragile egos, easily shattered and unsustainable. I see the word “narcissist” being thrown around a lot these days, and the word is getting overused. A person who appears to be selfish isn’t necessarily a narcissist. A person who is controlling isn’t necessarily narcissistic. If you date someone, and they happen to not love you like you love them doesn’t mean they are narcissistic. A vain person isn’t necessarily narcissistic.

Although the narcissistic person isn’t complicated, narcissism itself is. My article is a roadmap to discovering a truly narcissistic person. Remember the ACT acronym when assessing a suspected narcissist. Recognizing asinine character traits early on saves you from emotional torture. Enduring emotional torture for extended periods is dangerous because your anguish will eventually manifest into unpleasant things that you absolutely do not want.

I sincerely appreciate you reading my article. Looking back on my past, I wish someone would’ve handed me this roadmap. Allowing narcissistic people into my precious energy space was a detrimental mistake that nearly destroyed my life, because the way we feel about ourselves determines the quality of our lives. A narcissist has an innate talent for making you feel worthless. Don’t allow them to have that kind of power over you. Treat a narcissist like the best teacher you ever had. Learn from them and graduate to the next level.

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